The Grief We Don’t Talk About: Abortions
Author: Emma Sadler, LPC
Grief is a natural response to a loss or death. However, the experience of grief following an abortion remains a complex and often under-discussed and under-researched phenomenon. How does abortion impact the person who was pregnant? How does abortion impact the partner? The Guttmacher Institute found that in the USA, there were over 1 million abortions in the year of 2024. Although American society commonly associates abortions with unwanted pregnancies, there are a plethora of abortions that also occur due to medical necessity. While societal and political narratives may discourage an open discussion following an abortion, it is not uncommon for individuals to experience a wide range of emotions. These may include relief, shame, anxiety, trauma, anger, and unexpected psychological distress. These reactions can be influenced by personal, cultural, and relational factors, and they emphasize the importance of speaking out more to the grief and emotional pain that one may experience after an abortion.
In 2022, the Supreme Court overturned Roe V Wade in the United States, which no longer makes abortion a fundamental and constitutional right to those who may become pregnant. As I am writing this article, Adriana Smith is declared brain dead, yet still on life support without her family’s consent due to Georgia’s laws that recognizes a fetus as a person after 6 weeks. As it stands, Adriana Smith will be kept on life support until the fetus is able to survive outside of the womb. Dr. Meera Shah’s book, You’re the Only One I’ve Told: Stories Behind Abortion, tells the stories of people who have had abortions from different ages, socioeconomic backgrounds, and races. It reminds us that abortions happen in a unique and personal context, stigma can be broken down, and we can empathize with those who have made this decision for their lives.
Stigma and Shame
Often when I work with those who have had abortions, they frequently speak to the shame that they experience. The stigma around abortions can feel dehumanizing, isolating, and relationally traumatic. This emotion can manifest as internalized guilt, perceived social judgment, and diminished self-worth. Shame and stigma often intensify grief due to the marginalization and isolation within social circles and cultural contexts that can make it difficult to actually speak to the grief and inner turmoils one may be feeling.
Sadness and Loss of a Future
Dr. Janet Jaffe has written extensively about reproductive trauma. She often refers to the client’s “birth story,” which is the internal narrative individuals create about their beliefs surrounding family building, pregnancy, or the decision not to have children. While many individuals experience a sense of relief following an abortion, it is also common to encounter grief rooted in the loss of that imagined future. Would I have had a boy or a girl? They would be 2 years old right now. Would they have looked like me? If I have future children, will they hate me for not having an older sibling? Following an abortion, such reflections and mournings of a possible future that will now never come to be underscore a common and valid aspect of grief. Choosing abortion can feel like taking a different path from the one previously envisioned. While that choice may be necessary, it can also involve a natural process of grieving for the future that was anticipated. Acknowledging and validating this form of grief is essential in providing compassionate care.
Relief
A common societal myth is that relief is the only, or the appropriate, emotion to feel after an abortion. In reality, research has shown that the emotional response towards having an abortion is far more complex, and more adverse and intense emotions are associated with an abortion. Many individuals make this decision in the context of deeply personal, often painful circumstances. Relief and grief are not mutually exclusive; they can coexist as part of a dialectical emotional experience. The majority of people who have had abortions do not regret this choice. It is often reflected as the best option at the time of their circumstances. Alongside grief, many individuals also find relief in knowing they made a choice aligned with their needs and empowerment in reclaiming agency over their future.
Trauma
When we think of reproductive trauma, abortions are often an asterisk in the broader conversation. Yet, for many, abortion can be a profoundly traumatic experience. The procedure may be accompanied by a host of intense emotional and psychological responses, including fear about long-term consequences, overwhelming emotions, shame, nightmares, and social isolation. These reactions are not uncommon and can be compounded by the cultural stigma surrounding abortion.
In addition to its psychological impact, abortion can also be physically painful and distressing. I recall working with a woman who was hyperventilating at the thought of having her first menstrual cycle following her abortion, due to the fear of reliving the physical pain she had endured. While not everyone will experience trauma or grief in the same way, it is essential to acknowledge that abortion-related traumatic grief is real and valid. Recognizing this complexity is crucial in approaching abortion care and conversations with the empathy, and the clinical awareness that they deserve.
Men and Abortions
While abortions are not limited to cisgender women (people who are pregnant exist beyond the identification of women), men can be significantly impacted by abortions as well. Patriarchy hurts everyone, and ‘rewards’ men for masculinity, stoicism, and rationality. This masculinity can discourage men from expressing their grief related to abortion. In some cases, a male partner may have wanted to continue the pregnancy, may have been unaware of the pregnancy or the abortion, or may have focused so heavily on being a supportive presence for his partner that he neglected his own emotional needs.
Research has shown that over half of men who accompanied their partners to an abortion clinic felt sadness, guilt, or fear. These findings underscore the need for inclusive support systems that acknowledge and address the emotional responses of all individuals involved in the abortion experience. Ensuring that men have access to appropriate grief support is a critical, yet often overlooked, aspect of comprehensive reproductive healthcare.
In Conclusion
These themes represent just a few of the many experiences individuals may encounter when navigating an abortion. The way abortion is grieved can be shaped by a wide range of intersecting factors, including race, socioeconomic status, age, gender, cultural background, and geographic location. These contextual influences can complicate the grieving process and contribute to what is often a disenfranchised grief, one that is not always openly acknowledged or socially supported.
Access to a therapist who understands the complex nature of abortion-related grief is a vital part of healing. At Equilibria’s Grief and Loss Counseling Center of Excellence, our team of experienced clinicians is here to support you. We are committed to providing a compassionate, nonjudgmental space where your story can be heard and honored. You do not have to walk this path alone.
