What happens in a family session: Sonny and the Family
by Toriann Clarke, MA, LPC, NCC
Please note: This is not an actual child case. “Sonny” has been created as a characterization of a child client for the purpose of explaining family therapy dynamics.
Imagine a 9-year-old boy who is starting puberty and is navigating the social dynamics of fourth grade. The child has two parents whom he feels do not understand him. This child is experiencing a lot of anxiety, is more withdrawn from the family, and is in search of an identity. His anxiety manifests itself in anger and resistance towards new experiences. His name is Sonny and he’s a special kid. Sonny has a lot of feelings that he keeps bottled up because he fears that his parents will not understand his experiences. It makes sense that he believes this because they haven’t openly shared their feelings with him. As a result, he becomes consumed by his thoughts. He shares very little with them about the complexities of his experience with growing up, including his limited understanding of the changes occurring to his body, the changes in the social dynamics that are taking place around him, and not feeling like he has a voice in the world.
Luckily for Sonny, his parents noticed quite early that he was becoming more withdrawn and no longer engaging in his preferred activities, and as a result, decided to sign him up for individual therapy. Sonny has a great relationship with his clinician. They are able to talk and laugh and engage in games and activities. Sonny is making progress on his own individual goals. While Sonny is now better able to navigate the complexities of school and friendships, with a marked decrease in symptoms of anxiety and more engagement with preferred activities, there is still a barrier between Sonny and his family.
One day, Sonny’s clinician asks him how he would feel about inviting his parents to the session. Sonny is immediately resistant, stating that he thinks his parents wouldn’t be interested, that they wouldn’t want to be involved, and wouldn’t care enough to attend. Sonny’s clinician honors the resistance and puts the conversation on hold. In a few weeks, the clinician brings it back up and, once again, Sonny is still very resistant, but somewhat less so than he was the first time the conversation took place. The clinician tries to explain how a family session might be helpful for Sonny in getting his needs met. She explains to him that part of her role as a clinician is to advocate for her clients, and describes how that might look in a family session. He becomes more receptive to hearing about how it might be more beneficial for him.
After a few more weeks of resistance, Sonny is open to giving it a trial run. The clinician reassures him that he will be part of creating the rules governing the session. The clinician shares three basic rules that start family sessions: (1) Everyone must be respectful in the session; (2) No one speaks while another person is speaking; (3) What is said in session cannot get used against a family member outside of session. The clinician asks him if he has any other rules that he thinks might be helpful to include, and Sonny decides that he would like to be the person to speak first when questions are asked because his parents are always speaking over him. The clinician agrees and Sonny appears to be more comfortable.
Prior to the family session, Sonny and his clinician discuss some challenges that he’s been having at home and note what he is comfortable and uncomfortable discussing. Sonny and his clinician agree to alternate addressing the topics with his parents and giving Sonny an opportunity to speak first. Sonny’s clinician offers the option for a mindfulness session prior to the beginning of the family session if Sonny needs additional support, which Sonny agrees to.
The parents arrive for the family session and are receptive to the process. They listen to what the clinician and Sonny share and provide answers and explanations, and even offer apologies, at times. Sonny appears stunned, not expecting his parents to have that reaction or to share some of their own personal experiences. Sonny also appears relieved at the end of the family session and shares that he was happy for the family session to have gone well.
The next week, he shows up in session with comments and questions about the family session. He is eager to ask about when the next family session would be because there was more he wanted to discuss. It appeared that the family session was the first time he felt that he had truly been heard. Sonny became eager to plan more family sessions, and to continue to engage with his parents more. Sonny wanted to learn more about them and wanted to share more about himself. Slowly but surely Sonny begins to gain more courage, confidence, and a voice because he was in a space that was meant for him to be heard.
