What to Say (and Not to Say) to Someone Who is Grieving
Author: Emma Sadler, LPC
When someone you know loses their loved one, it is human to want to offer support. Humans don’t like to see people in pain, and particularly in western societies, we often want to “fix it” by taking away someone’s pain. However, no one can take away someone’s pain, and any presentation of grief is a normal way of responding to such life-altering events.
Even if we have experienced our own losses, it can still feel uncomfortable trying to figure out what to say to someone. In this article, you’ll find some common responses to support those in grief, and some common well-intended pleasantries that may be more unhelpful than we realize.
What NOT to say:
- Everything happens for a reason
- At least… (e.g. they aren’t in pain anymore, they’re in a better place, etc).
- You can always have another ___ (e.g. baby, dog, spouse, etc).
The biggest issue I have heard from many clients with these types of sayings is how minimizing it can feel. For example, a grieving person may think in response, I know I can have another child, but my baby should still be alive! It often feels like trying to build a house before building the foundation. Grievers want their pain to be heard, understood, and empathized with. Trying to offer a fix or solution can feel more invalidating to the primal pain that is felt in grief.
What to say (or do!):
- I’m going to the ___ (e.g. grocery store, coffee shop, laundromat, etc), what do you need?
- Share your favorite memories of this loved one if you knew them
- I know how much you loved them. Are there any memories you want to share with me?
- Can I __? (e.g. babysit your kids for a few hours, do your laundry, give a hug, etc)
In grief, what needs to be done can feel like walking through a fog. Instead of offering vague ways of help, such as ‘Do you need anything?’ or, ‘I’m here for you if you need anything,’ be specific with the asks. If you’re going to the grocery store, offer to pick up some things for them, see if they need their laundry done, or better yet just sit with them and offer a supportive presence.
Grief is one of the worst pains someone can experience. Even if your loved one is putting on a brave face, don’t assume they don’t need any help or support. Finding individual ways to support people during their grief is important to heal. As a final reminder, if you don’t know how to support them, just ask!
Equilibria is a group of licensed mental health professionals in Pennsylvania and New Jersey with multiple specialties to serve all aspects of our diverse community’s mental, emotional, and behavioral needs. We provide in person and telehealth services to individuals of all ages, families, and those in relationships. Click here to schedule an appointment today.
